Draco's Diary
by SnoOza
Summary: The "dastardly, dashing and intellectually precocious" Draco Malfoy has thought up a "nefarious scheme" to "make Potter's life hell", or so he claims anyway. His wise-talking diary Idiot hardly thinks so. *Chapter 2* Draco attempts to seduce Cho
1. Default Chapter

Hey everyone. This story is just a vague idea, I might or might not continue it. Hopefully I'll get inspiration to continue! Oh by the way there's something wrong with the uploading so if the italicised parts don't turn out italicised, I'm really sorry. But its not too hard to tell the difference between Malfoy and his diary is it? Hope not. So if you liked the story, please review! If you didn't, go ahead and flame me.

n/b: All characters belong to JK Rowling except for Idiot, Malfoy's wise-cracking diary. 

**The Nefarious Scheme** 

_3rd March_

Gel: Diminishing (put an owl to Dad pronto). Looking: Good. Homework: 2/7 (improving!) 

Ha. Haha. Hahahahaha! 

_Oh cut the crap and get to the point!_

Fine! But before I say anything, just to let you know I'm the smartest guy ever! 

_Oh geez. What happened that I should end up with an owner like you? _

You mean what did I do that I should ended up with a diary like you? 

_Okay, how about this: You insult people all the time. _

And so? I knew I should have just bought a normal diary instead of a wise-cracking smart-alec walking Aunt Agony columnist like you. 

_Sheesh, its only because I have to bring certain bloated egos back down to earth. _

Riiight whatever. Now let me tell you why I'm so pleased. 

_Because I'm such a great diary? _

NO. Because I just thought of the greatest plan in all the history of 

_Malfoy-dom. And that's speaking a lot._

Hey just let me finish okay?

_Fine. _

I've got the perfect plan to make Potter suffer. 

_Oh no not Potter again. What have you got against that poor kid anyway? _

Everything! That little idiot did nothing, and he's one of the most famous people in history! 

_Dost my ears deceive me? Weedle Malfoy-kins is jealous _

Geez hush up will ya? I'm trying to tell you my nefarious scheme to make Potter's life hell! 

_Ooh you're giving me the shivers! _

Put a lid on it, Idiot. 

_Stop it! _

Idiot Idiot Idiot Idiot! 

_Humph its not my fault you christened me that. _

Haha Idiot, that's too bad. 

_All right I'll listen to your stupid "nefarious scheme". _

Good. As I was saying, I've devised this absolutely perfect plan to 

_Make Potter suffer, yadda yadda. _

Yes I have. Now guess what is it?

_Make annoying faces at him? Do a tap dance in honour of him on Snape's head _

NO!!! I'm going to seduce Cho Chang. You know, the Ravenclaw seeker. 

Oi are you there? 

HELLO! 

_Sorry, I was too shocked to say anything. Did I read that correctly? Did you just say you were going to seduce some seeker? Really, I lost my jaw. Help me find it. _

Sheesh. Idiot, you're a diary, you don't have a jaw. 

_Figuratively speaking. And don't call me that._

Whatever. I was actually kinda hoping for a more enthusiastic response you know. 

_WOW!!! THAT IS LIKE TOTALLY THE BEST IDEA EVER!! _

_How's that? _

Stop the sarcasm. Anyway, I'm not done with my plan yet. 

_Mmhmm ok go on. I'm all ears. _

Alright you know how Potter has a crush on this Cho Chang person right? 

_Hmmm. You might have mentioned it once or twice, but I can't remember. _

Can't remember! You're a diary! You've got everything recorded on your yellowing pages! 

_Ah well, some things are more important than others. Like when you were turned into that bouncing ferret. AHAHAHAHA now that was hilarious. _

One more word, and it's the bin.

_ Okay fine fine go ahead. Yeah so Potter has a crush on Cho Chang? _

Well what I'm going to do is I'm going to make Cho fall in love with me, then I'll rub it in Potter's face.

_Hey, you know, that's not a bad idea. _

Thank you. 

_Yeah, very subtle, smooth, and totally hits the mark. _

Oh, yeah. Dastardly dashing and intellectually precocious Malfoy does it again. 

_There's only one itsy problem._

What? 

_WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU CAN SEDUCE CHO CHANG? _

I knew you couldn't really be complimenting me. 

_Yes but the problem? _

Doh there is no problem! Any girl would fall for my good looks and charming manners! 

_Oh yeah, meet Draco Malfoy, star chauvinist. Oh my gosh that's the funniest joke ever! _

_Whatever, Idiot. I'm going to catch up on my beauty sleep now. _

Oh yeah you'd better, in case your good looks become ruined by wrinkles. Oh no! That would be a disaster! And don't call me Idiot. 

Gah, Night. 

_And good riddance. _

~tbc~ 

Hope you had a good laugh! Well ok, at least one pint-sized laugh would do. Then I can claim I've done my duty for mankind. Lol just kidding. But please review ok? 

& fLiTwIcKe 


	2. Progress in Potter Plan

Hey again everyone! Sorry I took ages to post this up. Thanks alot to my reviewers: nat, Sailor Twilight Assasin, kandra, Amethyst Sin, Anon, fiReyLighT, Sansele (ahh cute idea! might try it out!), Aftertaste of a Razorblade and HpFre4k.Your comments are all greatly appreciated! Well, enjoy the story!

Disclaimer: All characters belong to JK Rowling except Idiot.

****Progress in Potter Plan****

Gel: Full  
Homework: 1/3 (not bad)  
Appearance: looking good  
Evil deeds done today: 3  
Progress in Potter-Plan (PPP): Making headway 

Ha. Haha. Hahahaha!

_Sheesh will you stop starting entries this way?_

Well if I can't gloat in my own diaries where can I?

_Well its not my fault Crabbe and Goyle are too thick to understand they're supposed to feed your bloated ego. But at least Pansy 'Nancy' Parkinson knows how to._

Oh, you know something, Idiot?

_I know a lot of things. And don't call me that!_

At Hogsmeade, I saw this really cool quill ink. I think I might buy to write in here.

_Really? I must admit I'm getting a bit bored of this black ink you keep using. What colour?_

Oh, that's not important. The thing about that sets it apart from others, and makes it the perfect ink to write to you, is its scent.

_Scent? What scent?_

Barf scent.

_WHAT? Ink tasting of vomit?_

Especially for annoying talking diaries.

_Okay OKAY! I get the drift._

Gut - this is German, by the way.

_Eh. How multi-mono-lingual._

I'm going to Hogsmeade now...

_Alright! Hmmph, I regret ever telling you the secret path to Hogsmeade._

Haha. Oh yes, that reminds me. Guess why I'm so happy?

_New bottle of hair gel?_

No. I am not that shallow!

_Oh come on, admit it._

Alright, its true I was raher please with the quality of the new hair gel Dad got me.

Like how?

_Er..._

Gel-like?

Well...yes.

_Huh. Apt description I see._

A little easy on the sarcasm please, or you're going to use it all up. Not that that's such a bad thing.

_Sorry, diaries get a boundless supply of any three traits they want. Sorta like three wishes._

Sigh. Poor me. So I see sarcasm must be one. The other two?

_Actually its cynicism, though I suspect the Master secretly feeds me sarcasm when he's out of cynicism. Actually I pumped for humour, but the Master said there were too many funny diaries circulating already._

Aww then I must be the unlucky minority stuck with black-humoured diaries. Who's the master?

_Sorry, privileged information._

Well fine, act all snooty. So what are your other two qualities? If you could call them qualities, I suppose.

_Cynicism._

Yes you told me that already.

_Intelligence._

I wonder what the Master swapped your intelligence wish for.

_Hey!_

Okay I shan't insult you. So whats the last?

_Ahem._

What?

_Motherly concern._

What? I've been talking to a GIRL all this time?

_Please, I'm not a transvestite. Strictly testosterone._

Then...

_Master forced it onto me. Said that all diary-writers needed a second conscience. Something like that._

Ugh. I never want to see that quality manifested.

_Hmmph. My maternal side is deeply offended. You don't think I'm loving and caring?_

Oh, totally.

_Fine! I'll show you! Tell me what you're so bloody overjoyed about._

I'm touched by your concern.

_Go. On._

What's with the full stops?

_Major. Effort. To. Curb. Tongue. Gasp. Talk!_

You don't have a tongue.

_Quick. TALK._

Er okay...You know your newfound concern kinda diminishes my enthusiasm.

_TALK. NOW._

Alright, alright. I am progressing much well with my plan to make Potter suffer, hereby referred to as the Potter-Plan.

_How. So._

I've begun Step 1 of the plan to seduce Cho Chang.

_Oh._

Well, aren't you going to say anymore? Normally mums are full of advice, sayings, and mince meat pies.

_Mums do not approve of such flippancy. Oh and by the way, I thought it was chocolate chip cookies._

Aww come off it. Don't you want to hear what I did?

_Bet its boring._

Actually, it is.

_Okay, then I want to hear it._

Won't you be bored?

_When Master Malfoy says he did something boring, then there's certainly something curious about it._

No really, it is boring.

_Ooh, how dastardly unusual._

I see you've gotten your tongue back. But as I said, it really isn't very much. I just saved Cho Chang from tripping and falling.

_"Nothing much" huh? Aren't we the little gentlemen?_

Yes, of course.

_Uh huh._

Yup.

_Indeed._

Absolutely

_Of course._

Alright! Let me give you a blow-by-blow account of what happened.

_Haha. Knew you couldn't hold out. You didn't even manage to break your previous record of sixteen sentences._

You just have to remember all the wrong stuff, don't you?

_Yup._

Draco sighs.

_Ugh. Don't tell me you're back into your refer-to-self-in-third-person mode again? It was a horror. 0_o Ooh cute face._

Draco thinks that is childish. But anyway, don't you want to hear what happened?

_To be perfectly frank, yes. So what did you do to make her fall?_

What would make you think I engineered her fall?

_Well duh. It would be an insult to the Malfoy clan if one of their own blood wasn't responsible for any ill-luck occurring to a person._

True, true. But then today Crabbe slopped all his porridge down his front, and I definitely didn't have anything to do with it, unless its some magical ill-luck aura I radiate.

_Urgh. Knowing Crabbe, you certainly didn't have anything to do with it._

Agreed. Anyway, you guessed right. I did cause Cho Chang's fall.

_And how, I wonder, has our ingenious sire done so?_

Oh, perfectly simple. Magicked a jackfruit onto her path.

_A...WHAT?_

I said I magicked a jackfruit onto her path.

_Er...jackfruit?_

Heh. Mixture of amateurism and over enthusiasm.

_Oh my golly gargoyle gosh! (ooh alliteration) Did she puncture her foot?_

Fortunately, no. If not there'd be unspeakable repercussions. Like jackfruit juice all over my nice black robes. Eugh. I managed to save her just in time.

_Huh. 'Unspeakable repercussions'. Of course no one would bother to speak about jackfruit juice over your robes when people have jackfruits embedded in their feet._

Alright, I get the drift. Can I tell you what happened now?

_Go right ahead. Just let me get some reading material to chill out while you ramble away._

For the interests of ever actually starting my story, I shall ignore that remark. Okay, I was tailing Cho, trying to figure out how to introduce myself subtly to her.

_She doesn't know you?_

Yeah. Its amazing, considering my popularity, isn't it?

_Ha. If she did know you she'd probably pretend not to anyway._

Hey!

_Well, anyway, go on._

Yeah, so I figured I would cast a spell to get a banana on her path so she would slip on it, then I'd rush in and save her before she hit the floor.

_Like a gallant gentleman huh? Ahaha_

So

_Hahah_

Unfortunately

_Ahaha_

I

_Haha_

STOP IT!

_Sorry, the thought was just too funny._

Humph. Can I continue now?

_Of course, of course._

Well, as you know I ended up with a jackfruit right in front of Cho Chang, and I didn't want an injured person on my hands, so I yelled out to her to stop. She did try, but she already had her foot out, so when she tried to draw back and lost her balance and fell backwards and

_"oomph!" she hit the floor with a sickening thud, split her head open and viscous blood flowed out._

Ugh. How bloodthirsty. And I'd have you know, nothing like that happened. With my quick reflexes, I zipped over, and under the noses of everyone present, saved her just before she fell!

_Ack! You have let down the reputation of the Malfoys! The horror! The horror!_

Geez, stop mocking me. Anyway, her response was classic! She stared at me in this stupefied manner

_Why? You didn't put gel in your hair?_

No! I think it was because she had never met such a chivalrous male before.

_Ho. Right._

Then I flashed her my most winning smile and helped her to her feet

_You mean your Dracula smile?_

Stop interrupting me! And I do not have a Dracula smile! Though the idea is somewhat attractive...but anyway. So then I said in my most seductive voice

_*cough cough*_

"Are you okay?"

_Ooh, how..._

Caring?

_Devious._

Oh please! Don't you want to hear her response?

_No._

Really?

_Absolutely._

Mmm?

_Nope._

Okie-doke then.

_Yup._

So lets carry on with what happened in Potions lessons today.

_Right._

I insulted Potter a total of 6 times.

_Great._

2 times right under Professor Snape's nose!

_You mean his over-sized, hooked nose?_

Yup.

_Indeed._

Snape praised me ten times today.

_OKAY!_

Hmm? What?

_You know very well._

No, really, I don't.

_Oh, like I believe that._

I absolutely have no idea! Go on, tell me then.

_Grr. This is an insult to my dignity._

Well maybe if you stopped insulting me, this wouldn't happen.

_I'm not insulting you now..._

But you haven't told me what you want to tell me yet.

_FINE! Tell me what Cho said._

Haha. I knew you were too much of a nosey-parker to not want to know!

_Just tell me what she said!_

This is the best part.

_What?_

She blushed!

_Whoa. Not really._

Yes! Her cheeks turned pink, and she mumbled something that sounded like a cross between "yes", "thanks", and "eek!". Can you believe that?

_No, not really._

Yeah! I mean...Hey! Are you insulting me?

_No, not at all. Go on._

So then, I left her there blubbering like an Idiot

_Hey!_

And sauntered off.

_And knowing you, you probably tripped over the jackfruit._

Ahem. I managed to jump it just in time.

_Ugh. How unfortunate._

Exuse me! Anyway, Idiot, I need your help.

_Didn't someone say he didn't want a certain quality to ever show itself? And for the last time, do not call me that._

Idiot! Idiot!

_Do not call me that! Do NOT call me that!_

Didn't someone say he would say something for the last time?

_Learn to be more specific, Malfoy._

Oh I can't be bothered to be specific with you. So will you help me or not?

_I'll consider. What's the big problem that you can't solve yourself?_

Well, I need you to use whatever limited brainpower you have to help me become friends with Cho Chang.

_Hmm...how about this. Go up to Cho and tell her you're the most obnoxious Slytherin 5th year, you have two numbskull bodyguards, a wise and friendly diary, an irrational fondness for hair gel, anaemia, and you're planning to use her as a tool to hurt Potter?_

Subtly.

_Oh. Then...accidentally "bump" into her every few months, then weeks, then days, and after several smiles (and sore hips), strike up short polite conversations that get progressively longer and more intimate, and after a few years you might become her friend! Then...we can work from there._

Eh. I was kinda thinking in the vicinity of a month?

_Ahh...well, what about getting into some of her classes?_

Hey that's a great idea! Idiot, you never fail to amaze me!

_I hate veiled insults._

Haha. Your influence. Ugh, looks like Crabbe and Goyle are back from Phase 107 of their life-long crusade to knock down a wall in the Slytherin common room.

_How's the progress?_

Not a dent.

_Haha. When are you planning to tell them the wall is magically strengthened?_

I'm waiting for a...suitable opportunity. Ooh, bye now.

_And, I know this is getting to be a cliché, but good riddance!_  


~tbc~

Well hope you had a good laugh or two! If you liked it, review! If you hated it, flame! If you're neutral, just review anyway. Thanks ya'll!

I might not continue this story, because right now I'm more of into writing X-Men Evolution fanfics (do read it! they're putting on a production of HP), but Sansele's idea is so ingenious I just might. 

Loff,

& fLiTwIcKe


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